If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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