Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just threw up on my dentist
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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