Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
