Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
