Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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