So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
