you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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