i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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