Plan B is the new Plan A
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize