i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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