I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
