Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
