Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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