what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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