I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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