I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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