If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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