i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
