dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
