my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
