After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
