On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
