Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
