John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
