Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
