In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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