Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
