Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
