Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
