I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
