You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish I only lived at night.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So much rum. So many feels.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
