She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
