We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
