i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
