I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
