I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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