True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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