I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
