My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
