She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I need moral support for this bender
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize