I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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