I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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