I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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