Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize