He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
