I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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