I wish I could teleport
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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