Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
