Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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