"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
