Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
