Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
