A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
