I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
