so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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