I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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