I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize