hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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