Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you win again, gameday.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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