Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
